Transcription:
-Wishing your man was here He would be a handful. [ Piano plays tender tune But, wow, do you miss him. Now, you don’t have to. [ Upbeat tune plays ] Introducing My Drunk Boyfriend the only life-size doll guaranteed to make you fee like your man is right there with you. And he’s hammered. [ Laughter ] [ Upbeat techno pulses ] [ Whimsical tune plays ] -The new Amazon Echo has everyone asking Alexa for help. -Alexa, what time is it? ♪♪♪♪ What the hell is wrong with this blasted thing? Amanda! -But the latest technology isn’t always easy to use for people of a certain age. -These kids done bought me a busted machine again. Odessa! -That’s why Amazon partnered with AARP to present the new Amazon Echo Silver, the only smart speaker devic designed specifically to be used by the Greatest Generation. It’s super loud and responds to any name even remotely close to Alexa so they can find out the weather… -Allegra, what is the weather outside? -It is 74°° and sunny. -Huh? -It is 74°° and sunny. -Where? -Outside. -What about it? -The temperature outside is 74°° and sunny. -I don’t know about that. -…the latest in sports.. -Clarissa, how many did old Satchel strike out last night? -Satchel Paige died in 1982. -How many he get? -Satchel Paige is dead. -He what, now? -Died. -Who did? -Satchel Paige. -Ah. I don’t know about that. [ Laughter ] -…even local news and pop culture… -Anita! What them boys up to across the street? -They are just playing. -They what, now? -They are just playing. -You say they just playin’ now -Yes. They are just playing. -I don’t know about that. [ Laughter ] -Pair it to smart devices, like your thermostat. -Alessandra, [weakly] turn the heat up. -The room is already 100°° -Are you trying to kill me Alisade? -The new Amazon Echo Silve plays all the music they loved when they were young. -Angela! Play Black jazz! -Playing, uh…jazz. [ Sultry jazz plays ] -It also has a quick-scan feature to help them find things. -Emelia, where did I put the phone? -[sigh] The phone is in your right hand. -And, it has an “Uh-huh” feature for long, rambling stories -So then I gave him $5 and he said I only gave him $1 -Uh-huh. -I said, “I know I gave you a five. -Uh-huh. -‘Cause I only had a five and a one on me. -Uh-huh. -And this the $1 right here. -Uh-huh. -So, I mean, you tell me who’s crazy. -Amazon Echo Silver. Get yours today. I said, Get yours today! To order Amazon Echo Silver, send a check or money orde to amazon.com right now. [ Laughter and applause ] [ Upbeat tune plays ] -We’ve all been there. It’s your first trip to New York City and you’ve got your perfec Times Square selfie all lined up. [ Camera shutter clicks ] And your big melon takes up the whole photo. Fail! What to do? -I’ll tell you what. You need the original selfie stick. -Get in here, you guys! [ Camera shutter clicks ] -♪♪ The revolution ♪♪ ♪♪ Is beginning ♪♪ -This thing is great, but my arm’s getting really tired and I wish I didn’t have to hold it up the whole time -Got ya covered, girlfriend. Take a gander at the new hands-free selfie stick. -Hands-free? -That’s right! With this, you won’t have to hold it at all. -Awesome! Unh! -Now, you’re in total control. [ Laughter ] -It’s really, really up my butt. -Sure is! -Try it! ♪♪♪♪ -Using it is easy. When you wanna take a picture, just clench. [ Camera shutter clicks ] -Ah-uh! [ Camera shutter clicks ] [ Camera shutter clicking -I love it. I never leave home without it. Smile! -Why? -So you look cute in the picture. -It takes pictures?! How? [ Laughter ] [ Camera shutter clicking Unh-unh! Oh, that’s how. [ Camera shutter clicks ] [ Camera shutter clicks ] -♪♪ The revolution ♪♪ ♪♪ Is beginning ♪♪ ♪♪ So tell me do you have ♪♪ That feeling? ♪♪ -Unh! -Unnnh! -Aah! [ Music climbs ] -Free up your creativity. With the original hands-free selfie stick. -It’s the best! -I can barely feel it anymore! Smile! -♪♪ The revolution ♪♪ [ Camera shutter clicking ♪♪ Is beginning ♪♪ -Unh! -The hands-free selfie stick [ Applause ] -Like a lot of people, I love to smoke. But my friends and family always make me go outside to do it. So that’s why I now use e-meth It’s crystal meth, but electronic. So it produces vapor, instead of smoke, and that means I can ride the ice pony anywhere I want. [ Laughter ] -Smoking is a social thing for me. Without my meth pipe, I don’t know what to do with my hands. But, now, I do know what to do with them — smoke meth. [ Coughing ] It’s good. -Thanks to e-meth, now, I don’t even need to leave the bar to get my sweet shabu shabu. Mama can smoke that chunky white crunch anywhere. At the office. [ Ring ] At the grocery store. In a bathtub in the middle of the road. Or face-down, in a big old tire. -E-meth is healthier because it doesn’t contain antifreeze, but, it still has that great meth taste. -E-meth lets me get totall gacked up on whoop chicken without yellowing my teeth -Ohh! -See? Perfectly white. [ Laughter ] What? Hello. This is he. -Thank to e-meth, I can now even smoke inside my favorite restaurant. -Excuse me, sir. You can’t smoke meth in here -It’s okay. [chuckle] It’s electronic. -I don’t care. You in my livin’ room. And you nekkid! [ Laughter ] -[Coughs] -[Shouting] -[Cries out] -[Both shouting] -E-meth is not for everyone. Talk to your doctor if you experience body rot, face melt, painful death, or fatigue. [ Laughter ] -E-meth. Ya know it’s good ’cause it’s blue, bitch. [ Cheering and applause ] [ Upbeat tune plays ] -Shopping online is as easy as it gets. [ Pop! Pop! Pop! ] Wouldn’t it be great if hiring plumbers… [ Ding! ] …carpenters… [ Ding! ] …and even piano tuners [ Ding! ] was just as simple? Now it is, with ARON’s List. With just a few clicks, you can find anyone, from a handyman to a house cleaner. -Like Angie’s List? -Sure. Except we offer price 30% lower than our competitors -Wow! Where do you find these guys, Aron? -[laughing] Oh. I’m not ARON. ARON stands for the American Registry Of Nonviolen sex offenders. [ Music stops ] [ Laughter ] -What? -Look, no one wants to hire the bad kind of sex offender That’s why ARON’s List only features nonviolent individuals who committed low-level sexual misdemeanors, like streaking, public urination, missed the cutoff on statutory stuff, toilet camera, and penis pranks. And their offender status makes them eager to find jobs of any kind. -Huh! So, do you have lawn specialists? -I’m sorry and I’m ready to work! -What about janitors, for my small business? -There are literally thousands of us. -Even dog walkers? -I’ll do it. -And they’ll always be upfront about their offenses -I exposed myself on a jumbotron. [chuckle] Take that, kiss cam. -I peed in all the file cabinets marked “P.” -Wow. Where have you guys been all my life? -Let’s just say living in a tent village under the highway. [ Laughter ] [ Camera shutter clicks ] -ARON’s List — because the real crime is high prices. [ Jaunty tune plays ] -Whoo! -I hope you’re having fun. I know it sucks Brad’s outta town. -Yeah, you know, but it’s still nice to have some me time, right? -There she is. -Babe, stop. -What? I can’t help it. I love you so much. -Oh! -Whoa! -Watch it, guy. -Oh, you wanna fight me? Let’s get it, bro! -Okay, that’s my cue. I gotta get him outta here -Okay. I’ll see you guys later -You’ll never find love like this! -Okay, that’s enough. [ Piano plays tender tune -Wishing your man was here He would be a handful. But, wow, do you miss him. Now, you don’t have to. [ Upbeat tune plays ] Introducing My Drunk Boyfriend the only life-size doll guaranteed to make you fee like your man is right there with you. And he’s hammered. 150 pounds of dead weight, and you get to be his babysitter. Designed to mimic the behavior of the sloppy grown man that you can’t get enough of Programmed to say over 200 unique phrases. -[slurred] I think I’m gonna take piano lessons. -It’s always a fun night with My Drunk Boyfriend. -“Cops”! I wanna watch “Cops.” -You’ll love hearing about his big plans. -I’m gonna do it. I’m gonna call my boss and quit. -Or when he cries over a dead relative he’s never mentioned before. -[Sobs] -Ohhhh. -My uncle! -Ohhhh. -[Sobs] -How sad. -My uncle! -With My Drunk Boyfriend beside you, you’ll never miss out on a night of rolling him over when he snores. And, oh, no! Watch out! [ Ding! ] My Drunk Boyfriend has a timer set to get up in the middle of the night and pee into your hamper. -No, no, that’s the laundry. ♪♪♪♪ -Good-good, right? -Plus, with the new My Drunk Boyfriend Expansion Pack, you’ll get all sorts of accessories. Like pants that don’t come all the way off, a charred frozen pizza that he brought into bed, a glass of water he will ignore, and just one more beer. My Drunk Boyfriend. He’s a problem. But he’s your problem. -From the makers of My Drunk Girlfriend. -[slurred] Are you mad at me? -Yeah. I’m mad at you. [ Cheering and applause ] -Hey, Mom. -Hey, Ben. Guess who got arrested. -Who? -Kevin Summerland. -Who?! -You know, Calvin Sonogram -Oh, do you mean Kiefer Sutherland? -Yes, that’s it. -Oh. [chuckle] -Moms. They love us and they take care of us. But one thing they can’t d is remember celebrities’ names Now you don’t have to wast hours a day trying to decipher which celebrity your mother’s referring to with the new Mom Celebrity Translator. Simply enter the name as pronounced by your mother.. -Kite Carbonaugh. -Then, enter whatever vague information your mother knows about this person. -She’s on TV and she’s crazy. -And, seconds later, you’ll have the translation. -Ohhh! Kim Kardashian! [ Laughter ] Yeah, she’s crazy. -Honey, who do you think is cuter, Rabbi Renaldo or Champ Crawdaddy? -Oh, you mean Ryan Reynold or Chase Crawford? Yeah, neither. I like Jake Gyllenhaal. -Who? -It even works backwards. -Sorry. Joe Geronimo. -Oh. I love Joe Geronimo. He was so good in “Breakdance Fountain.” -And the Mom Celebrity Translator even comes with audio playback, so moms can hear the right pronunciation -Keith Ragu. -Keanu Reeves. -Ohhh! -That’s what I said. -The Mom Celebrity Translator. Look for it wherever Mom products are sold. So…Ann Taylor. ♪♪♪♪